Bleed Out

Well, it feels like it’s been a while since I just wrote down some of my random thoughts.

I am blessed to have the kind of people I do in my life right now. I am blessed to have no non-sense, no bullshit, no drama causing, no sugarcoating type of friends. I fucks with good people. I used to feel bad for dropping certain people from my life, but why do I need to keep people who cause drama every couple months for no reason? I mean, the way I look at it is, people come into my life for a reason and I come into their lives for a reason – either to teach me something or to add more to my life in a positive way, and I, to theirs. And I mean you meet shitty people now and then and they teach you to avoid those kinds of people. But I don’t just drop them either; I still try to be their friend and maybe show them a different side of things, but it can only go so far before I just walk. It’s funny because if you ask any of my close friends right now, no one remembers how and when we became friends. Good or bad? I don’t think it’s bad – it just means we’ve been through more important things that something so small as remembering the exact day and time we met is just superficial. I mean, ain’t nobody got time for that. Be glad I’m in your life. For now. Hahahahaha jk. But seriously though, #blessed (yes, I just unnecessarily hash tagged)

Signed up for classes at mira costa – although it has nothing to do with counseling. Well, kinda. I signed up for a psych class in human sexuality and I was thinking like, isn’t this a waste of my money since I’m pretty much a pro at it already? HAHAHAHA jk. I’ll most likely drop it, its not really essential to my academic career. Which is weird to even say again, since it’s been so long since I’ve been in a classroom. Studying for my GRE’s is exhausting – doing the same shit over and over and over again. Still hate the math section and I am not planning on getting good scores in it, but seriously, who needs a good score in math to get into a master’s program that does not deal in math? That’s what I’m saying. Anyway, I feel weird having a back up (again) to my masters program. I mean, I guess you could look at it as being prepared and covering all your bases (all your bases are belong to us), but I just feel like, having a back up means there is a possibility that I won’t get into a masters program – and someone once told me to never say ‘try’, because to ‘try’ leaves the possibility of failure. When I was a kid I thought that was the stupidest thing to ever hear, but as I got older, I started to really understand that phrase; when you say ‘I’ll try’, it gives you the mindset that ‘it’s ok to not make it’ or ‘it’s ok to not do something correctly’. It gives you a cushion that you can fall back on that negates all responsibility on you. So when you tell a friend, “Yeah, I’ll try to make it tomorrow”, you are basically saying “There’s a possibility that I will or will not go” – it is neither a yes or a no and negates responsibility on you. You either do or you don’t. A positive spin on that is “I will do my best to make it tomorrow” – it replaces the word ‘try’ with a more affirmative, positive phrase “I will do my best”. And usually when someone does their best it comes out positive. So, with that said, I will do my best to succeed with my classes at mira costa and my Masters program.

Certain things, especially songs, remind me of certain people, and no, I don’t have a song for each and every one of my friends. That’s just crazy. For example, there was this person in my life at one point who, seriously, was into everything I was into – from nerdy/geeky things like Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit etc. to other things like The Weeknd (yes, I actually met someone who likes him as much or more than me. Crazy), whiskey, random conversations, going out, random bullshit. I mean, we talked about everything nerdy. Backstories, differences between shows and the books that we’ve read based on the show, possible outcomes of said storylines, story arcs, anime, Jesus you name it, we talked about it – and we got a long so well. Well, I guess I’m kinda diverging from the point, which was there are certain things, like songs, that remind me of certain people. For her, it was The Weeknd – ‘Attention’, since apparently, that’s all she ended up wanting. Blah. That was kind of anti-climactic, so I guess you’ll just have to listen to the song to understand hahahaha. Another song that reminds me of someone is The Weeknd – ‘Die For You’, which, I have to say, I stopped listening to for a good while because I didn’t want to be reminded of this person. But now, I’m ok with it, again, and it doesn’t really… sting, I guess you could say, anymore. There was someone in my life (notice the running theme of using the past tense here?), a friend, who, at one point, I would do anything for, and so would they. I mean, even now, if they were in trouble or needed help I would still help, because I’m, apparently, a ‘good’ guy. Even though I wouldn’t literally ‘die’ for them. And then, The Weeknd – Starboy, reminds me of… well, me. Obviously. AHAAHAHAAHAh. I mean, its not even just The Weeknd, like, Yellowcard – Rough Landing, Holly reminds me of a certain someone, so does Red Jumpsuit Apparatus – Face Down, to Bobby Valentino – Anonymous/Tell Me, OH AND DEFINITELY Far East Movement – Rocketeer, just to name a few.

I hate washing dishes. I love cooking, but I hate washing dishes. Now that I’m living on my own again, kind of, I am reminded of how it sucks to wash dishes. I don’t even like cooking anymore just because I have to wash dishes. It’s that bad. A long time ago, I used to just leave them in the sink and magically, in the morning, they’d all be washed. Hahahaha jk. Cuz I had a roommate that actually liked washing dishes. Seriously, she’d just take charge and do it. And now, I have to do it by myself. And sometimes I even wonder how its even freaken possible to have more more shit in the sink to wash when I’m the only one here. Ugh.

My feelings on getting my man bun chopped off – I don’t want to, but I have to. One, its getting hot and I don’t want to deal with my long hair anymore. Two, I already told my barber that if I come in next time and I make up some lame excuse to not cut it off, I give her permission to chop it off. Yes. I am doing this people – I am going back to looking like every other asian guy with the same haircut out there right now. So sad. Three, I’m going to a wedding in June for a friend that I haven’t seen since I graduated college. It’s weird – she actually hit me up out of the blue and randomly asked me if I wanted to go to her wedding. Well, kinda sorta – I actually got in touch with her last year or 2 years ago when she was visiting here. I wanted to catch up over drinks but said she might not be able to and didn’t hear from her till last month. Which is cool since I haven’t seen her in… 6 years? And we were pretty close at one point in college so… There’s that reason. I mean, it’ll grow again, right? Like, get it cut off in June, then it’ll be kind of long again by December, right? RIGHT? Blah.

And what is up with all the single moms man. I mean, I don’t have anything against moms with kids, just ones that I could possibly be attracted to hahahahahah. Idk, knowing a girl has a kid that I fancy is kinda like, I’m the devil and her child is the holy water – I stay far away from that shit. I did meet someone who said kind of off offhandedly that she does have a kid, and it didn’t really register until maybe a couple minutes later. I mean, it could’ve been the loud music? Me being tipsy? The fact that I really wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying? AHAHAHAHA… but there are some pretty fine mother’s out there. Just, not for me. No. Sorry.

Games. I like games. Who doesn’t like games? Video games. Board games. Card games. Mini games. Mind games. I haven’t played a real game in quite a while, so I am kind of rusty at it. Technically I’m not rusty at all, I just actively choose not to play any games because ain’t nobody got time for that anymore. I mean, with what I’m doing in my life right now and just life in general, I really don’t have the time or patience to play games. Which kind of sucks because I feel like, since I’m actively choosing not to play anything, I’m missing out or I’m at a disadvantage, compared to everyone else. So, either I dig back deep into that box of mine that I spent years burying and pick out a few games, enjoy for a little bit, or just keep going the way I’m going – game less. Anyway, I’m thinking I should just fold and start a new game +. Ah well.

Cheers :]



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