3 AM

So, I read something this morning that reminded me of someone from my past, someone who I used to know real well. I haven’t really thought of this person in what seems like forever and just started reminiscing about them. For all intents and purposes, he was actually pretty awesome and a great person, funny as hell too, but, as you know, certain life events tend to change people and, sadly, turn people into someone who you barely recognize. I think it started towards the end of high school when I noticed this change in my friend. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I remember he was in a relationship with this one girl for around 2 years at that point. I remember that they started off as friends and then became best friends. I don’t really remember what else, but all of a sudden my friend was dating his best friend. I mean, isn’t that the best? To date your best friend and then, maybe, if time willing, you marry the same person? I know a couple like that who’ve dated since middle school who are now married. I just think that it’s crazy in a wonderful sense, to not be tired of someones face for, what, more than half your life? That takes dedication right there. Anyway, back to my friend.

They were real happy and I remember I was happy for them. I didn’t see much of him for awhile, because, you know, when friends start dating they kind of disappear for a bit. I caught up with him my freshman year of college and he was different. He wasn’t dating his best friend anymore. Man, that sucked. Everyone else thought they’d be together for a lot longer than the time they’d been together. Anyway, he was cheated on and even met the guy she was cheating on him with, before he found out, which was super messed up. And I think that was the turning point that changed my friend – instead of some caring, happy go lucky, always down for you, down to make you laugh by telling stories, he became this guy who was super negative about every thing. I know that’s kind of putting it lightly, but for the most part, he swore that all girls were the same, they’re all bitches who just mess with you and when they’re done they just throw you away like you didn’t matter. From that day on he never wanted to get hurt again so he adopted this ‘you won’t get hurt if you don’t put yourself out there‘ mentality. And I mean, I congratulate him, it worked for the longest time. I never heard him cry over another girl or hear from him that another girl fucked him over because, well, he was basically doing the fucking over before it could happen to him. And it wasn’t just girls, it was pretty much everything in his life that he had this mentality on, including friends, family and his job. I heard that he had a falling out with his other close friends and stopped talking to one of his close family members for a period of time. I guess you could say he was going in a downward spiral and he was too blind to see what was going on.

I mean, I guess at that point in his life, he didn’t see anything wrong with that – I mean, getting cheated on by your best friend? I mean, come on now. He rationalized in his head that it was ok to do that, even to the girls who genuinely liked him that wouldn’t cheat on him or mess with his feelings. Unfortunately he was too blinded by what happened that he never changed. He didn’t see the wrong he kept doing. He kept doing what he did, his mentality of just not giving girls and people a chance and whenever he felt like he was getting too close to anyone, he would drop out, make some excuse and just split. In other words, my friend was a fucking dick. Like, imagine a guy who just had no filter and didn’t care about anyone other than himself. Yeah, that kind of dick.

He carried this mentality on to his other relationships, especially his last one, which I think was also his last long term one. From what I remember, she thought he was going to realize that she wasn’t like the rest and he was going to change. Well, that didn’t happen. And when he did begin to realize that maybe, just maybe she was genuine, she began to change. Suffice it to say, it wasn’t a good kind of change, and I think he ended it before it could go anywhere, like he always did. I mean, I don’t think that was the only reason, they also had a lot of problems, together and separately, and I think they also lost sight of the future and what they both wanted by that point, which, I mean, is as good of a time than never to end it; better to realize now than later that you didn’t love the other person you’ve been with for awhile, right? Well, that event definitely changed him. Again.

And by change, I don’t mean he went deeper into the rabbit hole he’s been in – he wasn’t super charged thinking even more now than ever that all girls are the same. No, I think he actually began to look, for the first time in his life, outside of himself. He began to see himself for what he actually was and what he became, and he felt disgusted. Like he legitimately hated himself. So, there he was, starting from square one, again. With no one to call friend and no one to turn to since he burned so many bridges during his time with that girl. Damn, I remember he was so sad back then. And angry. He didn’t know what to do, you know? Like, imagine being blind folded and dropped off in a forest and you had to find your way. Not just back home, but just to find your way with no one to help you, no one to guide you. I imagine that was a rough time for him. I know that he wanted so much to just not feel anything, to just not care, you know? He just wanted to get back on that high train where everything was easy. But, that day he made a choice, and that choice was probably the hardest choice he ever had to make in his life so far, but also one of the best choices he’s made. He did eventually find his way, even though it took him, what, 7 years to change back into that fucking awesome, caring guy he was.

I read something this morning that reminded me of who I was a long time ago. I don’t even recognize that person anymore. And I, am glad.



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