How To Fucking Bake A Cake

Related imageHow, exactly, do you bake a cake? Well, I was posed a similar question like this awhile back. It was simple, I thought. Everyone knows how to bake a fucking cake, right? “So, tell me the ingredients and the step by step instructions on how to bake a cake”.

With that, I proceeded to name off all the shit you need to make a cake – you need flour, eggs, milk, butter, sugar, yeast, etc. “No etcetera, tell me exactly the ingredients needed to bake a cake.” Ok… why are you making this harder than it is, I thought. Ok, SO, you need all that shit I just mentioned. Pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees F… “What does the ‘F’ stand for?” they asked. Uh, its fahrenheit duh. Anyway, pre-heat the oven, mix all ingredients together… “You forgot water”, they said. Well shit, yeah, I forgot water. So, all that, plus water. “How much water?”, they asked. I don’t fucking know as much as you need? Jfc.

Then they said, “What if it’s a box of cake mix? What’s in that? How would you tell me how to bake it?” Well, obviously, its just cake mix, eggs, water and butter, mix together, throw in a pan and leave in the oven for like 20 min. “Like 20 min? Or exactly 20 min?”

Bro, are you serious right now.

Well, apparently, there is more than one way to bake a cake. 

For example, what kind of cake? Regular cake? Yellow cake? Pound cake? Rice cake? Cocaine?

And how big of a cake? 13in round? 15in rectangle? How many tiers? Frosting? Color? Decorations? Flavor? The list fucking goes on and on.

Apparently, everyone has their own version of how they think a cake should be baked. Yes, there is a standard, and yes, it comes on the back of cake mix boxes. And then there’s cake mix that requires you to mix together separately.

But JFC, how many ways are there to bake a simple fucking cake?

But JFC, how many ways are there to raise a fucking child? To know what to do in a relationship? To know how to deal with life? To know how or what to do in certain situations?

And when I realized this, it. Changed. Everything

They were right – NO ONE can agree on how to bake a cake. No one could agree on the same amount of ingredients, if it was in a metric or English measurement – a simple. fucking. cake. And why is that???

Because there is no standard, no rule on how to do things, how to be and how to live; or, rather, there shoudn’t be.

So, when someone tells you, “Hey, you shouldn’t spank your child when he/she does something wrong, its not right” or “Hey, she twirls her hair so that means she likes you” or “Hey, he/she does this that means they want you” or whatever the fuck people tell you to believe that is the ‘right’ way, you should probably tell them to fuck the fuck off

To be honest, there are a lot of things that cannot be taught, but have to be experienced; just like how there are no set rules on how to raise your child, or a ‘how to’ on relationships (although I know a lot of us would want something like that) etc.

Look, situations are different for everyone and no two people are the same – meaning what works for you doesn’t necessarily work for someone else or for their situation.

It took me awhile to realize that my cake is awesome. I mean, you damn right my cake is awesome. It might not have what other cakes have, but see, that’s what makes it fucking awesome – the fact that I don’t have what other cakes have. The fact that they dont have what I have. And I’m sure the same goes for everyone out there. There is something they have that other cakes don’t.

And that is fineYOU should be fine with that, too.

So, stop telling people how you should bake cake and let them bake it themselves – if it comes out shitty then they know what not to do next time, or if it comes out perfect but gooey in the middle, you can either roll with it and eat around the middle or just throw it in the fuck it bucket and start over – aint nothing wrong with starting over from scratch.

My point is, you are the cake – what type of cake you are, what ingredients, what frosting and all that bullshit depends on you and not a pre-determined list of things that you should have or be. YOU determine what kind of cake you want to be. So the fuck what if you are a chocolate cake? Just cuz you are a chocolate cake doesn’t mean that a white cake is better than you, or a yellow doctor cake is better than you cuz it went to the most ‘prestigious’ doctor cake school program, it doesn’t mean that the blue police man cake is gonna keep forever giving you shit just cuz you are a black chocolate cake cuz not all blue police man cakes are cakecists – or even a pineapple upside down cakejust cuz you don’t know if you are upside down because you have pineapples or because you have pineapples you are upside down, doesn’t mean that you aren’t tasty, you know what I mean? Even if you are a simple dainty ass cupcake, you small and light and fill people up in one bite. Yum.

You should be happy with what kind of cake you are. As you should be comfortable in knowing that it takes different ingredients that someone else or something else has to make you into what kind of cake you are.

Some ingredients don’t mix with your cake – and that’s fine; know it and understand it and stay away from those ingredients. Some ingredients work for you – they make you more tasty, more appealing, more available, they make you feel good about your cake; those are the ones you just keep mixing into your cake. Over and over.

Sigh. I feel I’ve lost some of you. SO for those who can’t follow my analogy, the cake is you and the ingredients to YOU are those you choose to surround yourself which compliment you into being who you are. Once you have the right ingredients then it’s time to bake – and how long it takes to finish depends on you.

Don’t let ‘Nothing Bundt Cakes’ or that shmuck from ‘Cake Wars’ tell you what kind of cake you should be, what kind of cake is the best for the market right now, what kind of cake everyone ‘wants‘ – just be your own fucking cake. Bake the shit outta yourself. Overcook your damn self if you want; leave yourself in that oven an extra 15 min and see whats up (What? some people like overcooked cakes, dry AF but still tasty AF). Fuck, be a DONUT for all you care, or even a fucking DONUT HOLE, since its kinda like a cake but not really, but still, kinda being something is better than not being something. Just remember: There will always be someone out there who will like you for the kind of cake you are –  no matter how big, how small, how tasty, how round, how square, how sweet or how decorative your cake is – there will always be a cake for someone.

Fuck, look, as long as you have the right ingredients, you will always turn out to be the best cake you can be. So, shh, just let it happen. Or, as what’s his face in the movie, “Field of Dreams” said:

“If you build it, they will come”

Low key though, that’s what she said bahahaha
Image result for black people ohhhhh meme


“Good Guys” !? “Stalkers” ?!
Image result for find out next time on dragon ball z

 

 

 

 

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