Preface (wait for it)
In an effort to help me with the writing prompts in the GRE (Graduate Record Exam), I’ve decided to do something fun – write about random topics you (yes, you, the readers) have suggested. Will this even help? I have no idea yet. But, I heard that it helps to make your thoughts easier to get onto paper (or in this case, the internet). Plus, the writing portions of the GRE do not require you to have prior knowledge in the topic – whatever ‘story’ is there is what you will base your response on. So basically I get to write about anything and make it seem as true or untrue as possible. With that said, let’s begin!
“How to pretend you are actually working?”
Pretending to work can be one of the most rewarding feelings of your extremely short career with the company you are ‘working’ for. The feeling of simply doing absolutely nothing and getting paid for it – now that is the American dream right there. It’s as if you know you are doing something wrong and getting away with it – and that is exactly the case! Now, the level of pretend depends on what type of job you currently have.
Here is a breakdown of the difficulty of pretend, from easiest to hardest
Level 1 – beginners/n00b (easy, enemies have no armor and health is practically non
Level 2 – skilled n00b (medium, enemies have armor, rarely shoot back, yet still have
Level 3 – pro (hard, not only do enemies have health and armor and sometimes shoot
back, they actively try to flank you. May or may not throw grenades. Actually
will definitely throw grenades. And ask you to do a menagerie of tasks that
you will not get paid for and that is not in your current job description)
(wait for it…)
The easiest of all jobs to pretend at is the level 1 job – anything that requires you to sit down and barely move for 8 hours. The pretend level at these types of jobs are for beginners/n00bs – meaning you won’t have to pretend too hard to pretend work; hell you can just be your lazy bum self and no one will even notice. For example – I suggest opening up all the programs you use on a daily basis. Then open up your web browser (I suggest chrome) and open up as many tabs as you want of anything you want to read and/or look at. I’ve seen a former co-worker watch a real time video of a fucking eagle giving birth for no fucking reason whatsoever. For 4. Fucking. Days. Straight. I’ve also seen same co-worker play flash games, such as brick and pong while on the job. All you have to do is tab in when your supervisor, who probably doesn’t give a shit either, walks by and tab out when supervisor passes.
This type of job is ideal for those who have errands to do online, such as online shopping, online bill pay, those who play low res MMORPG’s that have to raid at times when you are at work because all of your guild members are in another country and/or different time zone you are, apparently, the only filthy American in the guild. A number of people also use this time to low key stalk people on FB and argue, through text and/or email, with their significant other. Good times, good times.
(wait for it..)
The second easiest type of job to pretend is at the level 2 job – and is a variation of the sitting job, but has a little more job requirements, not so much that you have to try hard to pretend to work, but just enough that you actually need to get work done. This type of job would be anyone working the front desk at any office. Now I know there are more jobs that would fit this description, but for the sake of simplicity I’ll use this one as an example. Now, as mentioned, this job is a variation of the ‘sit down for 8 hours and barely move’ jobs – the difference is that you have to be slightly more engaged. Those working at front desk jobs at an office would qualify for this level of pretend.
For example, say you work front end at an office – you are still basically sitting down for 8 hours, but is more ‘interactive’. As a front desk person, you have to, more than likely, answer phone calls, transfer calls, respond to emails etc. Besides that, its still easy to have your phone out arguing with your significant other about the shitty morning you are having because they didn’t text you a ‘good morning’ when they woke up and now your plans for dinner are up in the air because if you don’t get this resolved before you get off work then you are just going to go get drinks with your friends and talk shit about how your bf/gf aint shit. Or to have a tab open in chrome watching a fucking eagle give birth live for 4 fucking days straight.
Lastly, is the level 3 of pretend – the pro level. Ok, so being the lazy piece of shit I am I seriously lost interest in this topic if you couldn’t tell by now. I mean I was so pumped up to write about how to fake work, but now, I find myself fake working as I write this – I’ve got tabs open and I’m going back and forth reading about how the US dropped the Mother of all Bombs (M.O.A.B.) in Afghanistan, which also happens to be a 25 kill streak in Call of Duty. I’ve gotten it twice I think – and it basically ends the match you are in. With a big explosion. Everyone dies. Boom.
But what about the Father of all Bombs I wonder (F.O.A.B.) ? After a quick google search, apparently Russia has the F.O.A.B. in their arsenal and, to be honest, I thought it would be shaped like a giant dick or something. But it isn’t.
Anyway, you think there is a Baby Daddy of all Bombs (B.D.O.A.B.)? Like there would have to be a M.P.B. (Maury Povich Bomb) or something like that which tells the M.O.A.B. that the bomb detector test proves that the B.D.O.A.B. is not the father, where the B.D.O.A.B. goes flying off into the sunset screaming all happy and shit while the M.O.A.B. cries in disappointment and/or flies off backstage in circles repeating that she actually thought she had the right father bomb for her bomb child. Or that the B.D.O.A.B. argues with the M.P.B. saying that the bomb child looks nothing like him – the stabilizer fins on the back look nothing like his, the point at the end of the nose is too flat and the color of the bomb child is just plain wrong, it’s too light to be his. He even gave it a month to get darker and it didn’t work, so its definitely not his.
Maybe I should just stick to asinine arguments, I seem to have more fun doing those. Like why raisins, which are dried grapes, get a name but dried pineapples, which are obviously pineapples but dry, don’t? Like, that’s fucking racist.