Softer Than Charmin Ultra

It’s been awhile since I posted anything serious or personal, so: here goes! It’s been 2 something years since I gave myself a hard reset and I would like to think that things are, or have been, going for the better for me. What is a ‘hard reset’ you might be wondering? Well, when your phone no longer works right or is glitchy and you’ve tried everything to get it to work properly, you have no choice but to ‘hard reset’ it – basically wiping everything from your phone and starting your phone as if it was brand new. Which was, in fact, what I did to myself. Gave myself a hard reset in life, started over, replaced people and contacts and my world views on anything and everything. Am I a better person because of it? I’d like to think that, in the almost 3 years since then, I have grown exponentially in all areas of life, but most of all in the way I approach people, life and love. I am more understanding than I was years ago and I am in a better place in life right now than I was way back then.

Sometimes the best thing you can do, is also the hardest thing you can do (thank you Jagged Edge haha). But seriously, it took a lot of what was left of me to make that decision to end my almost 7 year relationship, break off ties with toxic people and slowly learn to love myself. Gone are the days where I would look for acceptance in people, whether it be for friendships or, as it was usually, with girls (notice how I use girls, instead of women). I was always one to be in a relationship – regardless if I had feelings for them or not, regardless if I really liked them or not. As I mentioned in a previous post, looking back at all my relationships starting in highschool, I have always been in some type of relationship, with only a year (before now) that I was actually single. Looking back, I never really had time to do me, since I was always connected to someone else. I suppose it could be looked at as a somewhat good thing, as I was never ‘lonely’ persay – always having a date to wherever place, dances, proms, parties etc. But other than that, there were no other positives from that haha. Fast forward now, being 2 and some months single and doing me like I was supposed to a long time ago, I feel great. One, I don’t have to ‘check in’ with anyone (as is common when in a relationship), I didn’t have anyone else to worry about – like whether or not I was making someone else mad because of my choice on restaurant or venue for the night lol. Like, its been a 2 and a half year breath of fresh air and the freshness can’t stop won’t stop.

I wish I could say I’m loving every bit of every day of this breath of fresh air, but there are moments/days where it can get pretty… lonely. Yeah, yeah I know, lonely because most, if not all my friends all have significant others. Most times all I have to do to get out of the loneliness of things is to remind myself that there is a reason why I am still single and that is because I haven’t found that girl out there that deserves me and, most importantly, that I deserve her as well. And then I think, damn, that would be a pretty nice fling hahaha. But no, I don’t go through with that feeling ever, it’s always just a thought. One, I’m not young anymore, that would be what young Chris would have done. Now I am a old, reserved and refined bottle of whiskey that only opens for the right one. Lol. Sometimes its just hard to be the man a lucky woman out there would want.

Since my hard reset, I guess you could say I’ve actively chosen to friendzone myself because, well, I’m tired of the whole dating scene right now to be honest and I don’t want to waste my time with someone who probably won’t be the one I’ll spend a good part of my life with, aka I’m kinda sorta looking for that infamous one. Does she exist? The hopeless romantic in me believes she does. Even the rationalist part of me believes she does. Which isn’t to say that the girls/women who I’ve met weren’t ‘the one’, just right now, I’m still enjoying being single. Not single to mingle, just being single and doing me. But its not to say that I’m not looking either haha. The way I explain it is that I’m looking but I’m not looking – like, yes I’m single, but no, I’m not dating dating, but at the same time it doesn’t mean that the next girl I start up a conversation with has no possibility. Or that there is no possibility that anything will happen between me and any of my friends/acquaintances of the opposite sex. There’s actually one or two right now who, I have to say, if I had more deep conversations with and saw a lot more than I already do, I would probably develop some type of feeling… But! That’s besides the point and not the scope of this blog. Maybe a future one. Possibly.

A lot has happened on the ‘possible girlfriend’ frontier – I’ve met quite a few women that were just as awesome as I was, only to find out something real shitty about them that made me not want to pursue anything. Which kind of sucks because, as somebody whose had a not so perfect past, I shouldn’t be the one to judge whether or not that one chick would cheat on me or if that other chick is just playin or if another chick is just bored etc. I mean, I have never cheated on any of my ex’s – I’ve been the one who was cheated on actually – but that doesn’t mean I was the perfect boyfriend either. I know, I know, the past is the past, let it go, that’s not you anymore – yes, I get that, wholeheartedly. I really am not that same guy anymore, which leads me to my conundrum – yes I’m not that same guy anymore but at the same time I know that karma is gonna catch up to me and I suppose I am afraid it coming back to bite me in the ass now that I’m not that same guy, you know? Like, why should it come back now when the person who I am now doesn’t deserve what the person I was back then deserves? I mean, yes, if I was still that guy then by all means karma, mess me up. But now? It’s like, damn, what if this girl is blah blah blah. Some days I’m ok with it, I get it, that I should feel how it felt like, to get burned. Other days I feel like I’ve been going through it every single day and don’t deserve it, if it ever does come around.

So recently (as recent as last year), I’ve been hanging out with my one and only cousin here in the states, which is real nice cause my nephew makes my rock hard heart melt (who knew? haha!). It’s nice because we used to hang out a lot back in the day, then lost touch cuz of… life stuff and who was in my life back then, and now that everything is great again we are rekindling that lost time. I just got back from spending a week with her and our other friends in Hawaii for her duuuurrrrdy 30 #haifasflirtythirty and it was one of the best mini vacations I have been on in a long time. We didn’t drink or anything, but we didn’t need to because it was more of a family thing than it was a party thing. Also recently, or continuing for the last 3-4 years? I’ve been getting to know and understand my cousins best friend, who is also, by default, my close friend haha. She’s cool cuz we get a long like soy and sauce – and she helps me decipher (mostly) womens intentions hahaha. She’s like a human (I mean she is a human) ‘I can see past your shit and you aren’t good enough for Chris’ detector. I’ve gone to her for advice on certain people and so far, she’s been 2 for 2 on women that I was kind of interested in. 2/2 meaning she was right that they weren’t right for me hahaha. One thing I didn’t realize was that she or I have called each other every New Years day between 12-1 am and talked for a bit – which totally threw me off because I didn’t even realize that we did. Maybe that’s why she’s an important part in my life? My family has this thing that whatever you do on New Years day is what you will be doing for the rest of the year. Guess she’s meant to stay? Hahaha. I think its cute though how they both are like mini-bosses for potential girlfriends – my cousin has never liked any of the girls I’ve introduced or even thought of dating (high standards I guess haha!)  and the other one gives more of a chance than my cousin but is more or less the same. I kinda feel bad for the next (and hopefully last) girl I date, cuz she would have to woo them over also haha. Or in videogame terms, defeat the mini bosses to gain access to the final boss.

I am the type of friend who is there for you no matter what – the type who wants you to let me know that you made it home safe from a night out, the one who says to ‘drive safe’ even though it sounds like I’m drunk and just saying it just to say it – basically the type who genuinely gives a shit about you. What I learned, is that there are a lot of people out there who are your friends who don’t treat you the same way you treat them. And that’s fine with me, (I used to not be fine with it), because being someones friend doesn’t come with any strings attached – like if you do this for me then I’ll do this for you etc. If you are my friend, then I will move mountains for you, because I can or I’ll try – and if you can’t do the same for me, that’s fine, because that’s not why I am your friend. Like I’m the type of friend that will watch your back if you are a girl and make sure you don’t do anything stupid or go home with a random guy or whatever. I actually start to get less drunk when I am near one of my girl friends who is super drunk in case I have to take care of them. It’s actually a hold over reaction from when I was in that relationship – if one of us was super drunk the other would slowly get less drunk to take care of the other and vice versa. Case in point – just because I’m all these great and wonderful things doesn’t mean I don’t know when you are taking advantage of me. Dropping people that deserve to be dropped is easy for me to do. Like this one friend of mine, a good friend too, constantly calls me to ONLY complain about her boyfriend. Or when she’s bored. And of course I listen, its what good friends do and I happen to be an awesome listener. One day she seemed more distraught than usual so I offered to meet in person to listen and see how she was. Left the house early when I didn’t need to and listened to her ramble on and on about this guy. After almost an hour of her talking the least she could have done was have a drink with me right? (since we were in front of a brewery and all) And let me catch her up on whats been going on with my life? But no, she had to go cuz her boyfriend was mad. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know I’m being used. So, dropped. Like the egg in that egg drop soup son. But not obviously dropped, I just stopped talking to her. And whenever she gets her act together, she can text/call me like a normal human instead of texting me through snap. And let’s face it – girls/guys who text thru snap are probably not the type of people you want to be around with anyway. Woosah.

Which brings me to the ‘soft reset’. I honestly don’t know how all this rambling is supposed to be a segue, but whatever haha. ‘Soft reset’ – not a hard reset. Hahaha yes, that is the definition of it. Sometimes we all need a ‘Soft reset’, where you just find a nice, quiet place where you can think, or a place where you are comfortable and just think, meditate and breath out all of your worries and tell yourself that everything will be ok. Which may or may not include blocking certain people’s numbers from your phone and/or purging your snapchat/instagram of people who don’t make you into a better person (or just freeing up your cluttered stories). My soft reset consists of listening to old r&b/hiphop, while finding new r&b/hiphop that sounds like old r&b/hiphop which just makes it doubly awesome because it restores my faith in humanity and kids these days that are giving props to the original pioneers of r&b. I mean MUSIC, cuz whatever this shit that’s out right now, is NOT music.  And with that, I’ll leave again, don’t know when I’ll come back, maybe tomorrow or next week or next month, or even next year, or maybe when I find ‘the one‘, I’ll blog my brains out about it haha – so until then

…’Cause we’re living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
when they all should let us be…

 

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