(Warning: if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma, you may be entitled to compensation. I’m just kidding. Yes, its been a long while since I’ve written anything so here we go. Also, if you don’t like dry humor, foul language, retarded ‘what if’ scenarios or even a hint of an imagination or sense of humor, stop reading. It’s not for you. For the rest of you, if you have a structured settlement and need cash now, call 877CASH-NOW)
Yes, there is always that one person at work who constantly, consistently, without a doubt, on the dot, as sure as shit that Jesus will rise again to walk the earth, say God bless you after each and every sneeze, no matter how loud or how tiny. They will God bless the fuck out of any sneeze, no matter what kind of sneeze. (It’s arguable that all sneezes receive the same blessing, as I feel each sneeze is different and no two sneezes are the same #sneezelivesmatter). This person, however, is on a whole different level than the average ‘Godblesser’. Whereas the average individual will say it normally out of instinct at the sound of a finished sneeze (some say it before the sneeze is even completed, like who the fuck does that), this individual will say it, loud and proud, as if God himself is within earshot of them. They make sure to turn their head in the direction of the aforementioned sneeze, take a deep breath and will hadouken their voice so that not only you, the ‘sneezer’, hear it, 30 other innocent bystanders will hear it also. As if that weren’t enough, the more times they repeat the phrase ‘God bless you‘ is directly correlated to the amount of times the ‘sneezer’ sneezes, regardless if they say ‘thank you’.
However, with every unthanked ‘God bless you’, the more loud, proud, yet subtly annoyed their voice sounds. As if they are doing you a favor or some shit. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a nice ‘God bless you’ from time to time, but look, we aren’t living in the middle ages and demons aren’t being expelled from our bodies every time we sneeze or fart (queef?), ok? One’gd bless you is enough, two is the max. I just want to let you all know, (if it wasn’t already apparent through sheer common sense) – if the sneezer is on a sneezing binge, it is OK for you to STOP saying ‘God bless you’. I mean, ‘god bless you’ for being able to accurately machine gun wish Gods blessing to someone after each and every sneeze, but seriously? Oh and just fyi, when if you say ‘God bless you’ expecting a ‘thank you’ in return, you’re more of an asshole for expecting it than the person who doesn’t say thank you. #allsneezesmatter
The Scream Sneezer
Ho. Ly. Shit. With a sneeze more than capable of breaking the sound barrier, we have the scream sneezer. This person is difficult to differentiate from all your other coworkers – they have no tell tale signs that their sneeze is on the same level as Jesus being capable of resurrecting the dead. They don’t have a muscular throat, no wide cheeks, no nothing. The only time you will know who they are (and trust me you will) is when you hear it. Its the only way. It cannot be avoided. It cannot be unheard. It cannot be prevented. Shhh, just let it happen.
Visually, they will more than likely stop what they are doing, close their eyes, charge their sneeze for 3 seconds until their power meter is full and let out a sneeze as if the lead singer of screamo band was in mid scream, had to sneeze,said fuck it I can’t ruin this epic scream, and let out that ‘ah-fucking-choooooooooooooowwwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhasdfdasffdasblargh!!!’. Seriously, if you can’t help it, I totally understand (not really). Sometimes when I am alone wearing only my underwear I scream sneeze, just to see and feel what its like. And let me tell you, it feels fucking wonderful to have your balls tickled. However, cmon man, its a public place, and you are more than likely to incur more than a dozen side eyes from the people you just made turtle their pants a little. Put your arm vagina to your mouth and scream sneeze in there – it’s like a natural sound suppressor that also works for coughs. And throat clears. And mouth farts.
The “How the fuck do you still work here”
Everyone knows this person, yet everyone doesn’t. What do I mean? Well for one, you know them because they work with you, obviously. You assume they do the same work as you. Everything is fine and dandy right? You guys make the same pay, same deadlines, same everything. But there are little signs here and there that you pick up on that might mean the contrary. First, its little things like, ‘oh they aren’t at their desk right now’, or ‘oh they are up getting coffee’ or ‘oh, they’re talking to themselves’. But then it starts to become a thing, you know? What started off as a random occurrence, has turned into a why is it that every time I look over they are no where to be seen? Then you start to notice that they are barely in their cubicle anymore and start seeing them roaming the halls in search of the one ring to rule all rings. Or you might meet them in the bathroom, as you are walking in they are walking out, and as soon as you walk out they are walking right back in and your brain malfunctions a bit and are no longer sure if you are really in the bathroom at that moment in time or if you are just sitting at your desk daydreaming the whole thing. Your phone rings and you pick up and ask ‘Morpheus? Is that you?’. Whoa.
However, what is most perplexing is that only you seem to notice that this person isn’t at their desk half of the time. You point it out to your other coworkers and they all give you a quizzical look and stare at you as if you are fucking crazy. Then they ask you in a condescending way where you have been this whole time and if you are high and proceed to say that this person hasn’t worked here for over a year. They look off to the side and quietly say that they are in a coma in the hospital because they got t-boned by a drunk driver on a dark and rainy night exactly one year ago to this day. Shocked, you go back to your seat to think of everything that has happened when all of a sudden the said individual of your waking nightmare appears at their desk and starts doing work. You shoot straight up out of your seat, wide eyed and point at them and yell ‘How the fuck do you still work here?!”
::Plot twist – YOU are the one in the coma in the hospital and the person you’ve been dreaming about ‘not’ seeing is really one of your coworkers that never does his/her job, fucks around 5/8 hours of the day and only works to get by. Armed with this somewhat comforting realization, you slowly turn your head, only to see said coworker sitting on a chair near your bed, staring at you and slowly whispers something, barely audible, but you catch a couple words – “…structured… settlement… 877…”
Ok well the fucking point is they don’t do shit and they still work there. Like, wtf?
The “I only fuck with myself”
So these people are like rare Pokemon, you see them sometimes and you want to go up to talk to them and as long as the stars shine down from the heavens, as long as the rivers run to the sea, you’ll never get over that Pokemon getting over you. The ‘I only fuck with myself‘ are a solitary critter, only appearing at certain times during the work day and only for a brief moment in time. When you see one, you have to be prepared to run up to them to get their attention and if you’re ‘hold up, wait a minute‘ game isn’t strong or your power level is too low, you’ll never. stand. a. chance. One time one of the fabled ‘I only fuck with myself’ was caught on camera about to open the door to the building. Security cameras outside the building caught them about to open the door when they realized that they were on camera. They looked at the camera, stared at it and just like that, disappeared from the video feed. Security footage shows a 0.3s delay where the video feed ‘skipped’ and failed to record that 0.3s time stamp.
They are best observed from afar – the closer you get, the blurrier they seem to appear and as soon as you rub your eyes they are gone. You will never see them roaming in packs – they hunt for their own food and rely on no one. They sit alone, in the corner, always observing, always watching. They sleep alone. Sometimes they sleep with both eyes open just to appear ‘ready’. Sometimes, though, during full moons and national holidays, you will get a ‘hello’ from them as you pass them in the hallway, but most times, they have a hundred yard stare that cannot be broken and if you so choose, or are so brave (or stupid) enough to break it, only the most awkward of small talk will occur with ample awkward body language. Setting traps is ineffective! as well, as their perception score is higher than the average human. If a group of you hunters is blocking a passage, they will backtrack and go the other way. If you block off the other route, they will go back to their desk, hibernate for an hour and try again. They will wait you the fuck out. The patience of these individuals is bewildering.
They are best avoided, however, legend has it that if and only if a plane is flying at a speed of 400 knots 50,000 feet from the ground (keeping in mind the gravitational pull of the earth and pull of the moon on the ocean tides) at the same time two trains are traveling in opposite directions one going west at 100mph and the other going east at 3/4 of the train traveling west as a man standing on top of a hill shoots a gun at a 45 degree angle, that the bullets trajectory is such that it is equidistant to the Iraqi insurgent who is firing 500 rpm with his assault rifle in the air (consider bullet terminal velocity) WHILST a mother is giving birth to a new born baby, as such that the decibel at which the babies cry is greater than or equal to that of 7.8934 on the Richter scale that also happens to be the SAME TIME THAT ALL AFOREMENTIONED SCENARIOS PRECISELY INTERSECT ONE ANOTHER AT 11:56PM PACIFIC STANDARD TIME –then and ONLY then will you be eligible for monetary compensation. Wait, I mean, then and only then will you be able to befriend them a live happily ever after, at least until the next day, to which they will not remember you at all and continue to live off their solitary existence.
(Any and all likeness to real life individuals is purely coincidental. The views expressed in this blog don’t reflect the true opinion of the writer, but it sure was fucking hilarious writing this.)