“Once again, now where do I start, dear love, dumb struck with the pure luck to find you here…”
I still talk to you in my head sometimes. I know, weird, but I do. Today is also Father’s Day so I had to get up. Couldn’t sleep in. 9 am. Grabbed the gift I got my dad for Father’s Day and went downstairs. Greeted him Happy Father’s Day and went back upstairs to shower and get ready for church. Yeah, yeah, I know, I haven’t been to church in ages. But today was different, as was my perspective on a lot of things, especially about God and life.
“Oh what I wouldn’t trade for your laughter, sweet and sour spice in my poetry pot melting, even better than the real thing; It’s like the God in me saw the devil in you…”
On the drive down to the church where I went to school more than 20 years ago, I began to think again. Something about long car rides and having the right song playing at the right time, bringing out thoughts and memories you purposefully kept buried, in hopes to forget and move on with your life. Though I try not to think about that anymore, this time what came up from that grave wasn’t bad – more of a reflection of the positives that happened, which was weird. I thought about how everything has fallen or is falling into place in my life; how I now finally have a job I can use to save money to pay for grad school next year. How I now get a long fully with my parents (Ok, sometimes we don’t, but we get along more so now than we did before). How they took me back after I fucked up a part of my life that I could never get back again. How I am now happy – fully and truly – with how everything is going in my life.
Then I thought about what my best friend once said to me, what you once said to me – “You know what would suck? If we broke up and you got your life together? If that happens I expect you to take me out on a proper date”. And you know what…? It seemed innocent at the time because we were so sure about who we were and where we would end up in life… but now? Hah… Looks like I am going to owe you that one special date after all.
Life just has a weird way of telling you things; looking back on everything now as we make our long journey down to church, it all makes sense – everything that we have experienced was for a reason; everything that happened, good and bad, was for a reason. When you make mistakes, you’re supposed to learn from those mistakes, yet for some reason, I couldn’t learn that being with you. Somehow, life knew that I wouldn’t grow to be the man you saw in me being with you. Now that you have let me go, here I am, breaking all barriers and becoming that person you always saw in me, even when I didn’t see it in myself. Even when I didn’t believe it, you did.
“Well anyways, I am not a perfect being, yes I am, a man full of S-I-N, it’s like the devil in me saw the God in you…”
I thought about how if we were still friends; how nothing would have changed, how my decision to leave wouldn’t have made a difference and would have been for nothing. I thought about how even if we were still friends, a huge chunk of both our hearts would still be missing, and being friends would no longer be worth it. I’m happy, that we are no longer friends. Hah… no there is no negativity with that statement, I truly am happy. For once in my life I am on the right path again, at least I feel that I’m on the right path again. I have nothing but good things to say about you to any girl who asks about you. I had to learn to let someone so important to me go in order to truly learn a lesson about this life that we live; what that lesson is hasn’t fully manifested itself to me yet, but as every day passes I am putting those pieces together. In the end, I know I’ll have a clear picture as to why things needed to happen the way they did, and my journey to find myself and become who you always saw me as.
“Understand the time has finally come to realize the great power of one, all formulas equalize under the Sun, amen.”
I sit here typing all this out with a smile on my face, because I am not focusing on all the negativity that tore at us, but the positive, memorable moments that made my time with you worth every second. I know that life is long gone now, but never have I thought to give anything to have that life back. I’ve held on to all of the good you showed me, all the new experiences you showed me, especially what it means to be a friend. I started watching Girl Meets World and saw the episode where Shawn was ‘reunited’ with Angela after 12 years. They reminded me of us – when things were great it was awesome and when its bad, it was horrible. In the end, he chose to let her go so she could live her own life (she wanted to be with her dad in Europe), but he never could let her go. As the years went on, she married and he never got over her, until she came back to tell him to use everything that he experienced with her, the good and the bad, and get out there and love again.
Maybe that’s the path that was destined for you and I? Maybe we were each other’s stepping stones in order to reach where we were supposed to end up? Or maybe we are each others stepping stones to our future selves; the people who we always saw each other to be, but couldn’t because we both held each other back. Who knows?
“C’est la vie, as they say L-O-V-E eloquently, see every dream has a part two, never same, you got to keep it tight, always just like back then, now hear me out…”
A part two… imagine that! New and improved me and you, together for the new and improved future. We would both be the king and queen of our world… haha… but you know how life works; in a perfect world there would be no doubt we would. In a perfect world, nothing else would have mattered but me and you. In this imperfect world though, I know those chances are slim to none; everything else comes into play and the only time I will ever talk to you again is in my head. It’s not so bad though, since you don’t argue or disagree with what I say hahaha…
“Your vibe surely brings out the best in me, the rhymes will heal cause I believe in music, in times of need I won’t be leaving you sick, the beat plus the melody’s the recipe, all good souls lost may they rest in peace.”
Thank you for letting me go. I know that it was just as hard for you as it was for me, even harder, to do so. Thank you for sacrificing what you had to for me to become who I was meant to be. I know that I was the one to let you go first, but I know you understand it wasn’t because I didn’t love you any more; that if I didn’t do something then you would hate me for the rest of your life. I sit here with a smile on my face again because I know that you are happy wherever you are now and nothing ever made me happier when I was with you than to see your smiling face; for whatever your mood was – happy, sad, mad… I was the same way, always sharing your feelings and thoughts and vice versa… always trying to match your mood so you wouldn’t feel alone. I also have that smile on my face because I know that no one you meet will ever match what me and you had. And yes, I know, no girl I ever meet will ever match what you and I had as well.
Farewell friend, wherever you are. Until the next time you pop out of my memory.
I know I gave this to you… and everything I told you about it still holds truth, but I think it’s better that it is with me. I found a necklace and wear it everytime I go somewhere to remind me of how to never take anything for granted again and how everyone I meet is special – no matter how big or small of an impact they may make in my life. It reminds me to never regret anything, to quit making excuses and do everything I have ever wanted to and why we had to end – for me to be that person you always knew I could be.