I’ve never been one to have a grip of friends. Ever. Growing up I could always count my friends on one hand and, at most, on both hands. I never really understood how other people out there have a billion friends, I mean, really? Their phones are filled with names starting with each letter of the alphabet, and here I am, only having at most 8 friends on my phone, and they are all on my favorites contact list. I’ve never had a problem with that and I still don’t, but sometimes I wonder…
…and then I come back to the realization that I would rather have 8 close friends that I can be myself around and who know me like they know the back of their hands, as opposed to 20+ people who sort of know me and I can’t act myself around.
Really though, until the beginning of this year, when I had to start from the bottom all over again, I basically lost sight of what it meant to be a ‘friend’. Before this year, I thought all I ever needed was just one single person as my best friend and basically lost contact with all the people who I grew up with and who knew me the best; all for one person.
Before I met that person I had two of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. We were close all throughout high school and even more so after we graduated. We went everywhere. Talked about everything: girls, guys, dates, family shit, work, school, etc. But it’s weird how when you get into a brand new relationship, you tend to, either knowingly or unknowingly, choose your significant other over hanging out with your best friends because you figure, hey, they’ll still be there right?
Friendship, even between best friends, still takes work, albeit not as much work as a normal friendship. And I lost sight of that. Days turned into months and eventually years where I pretty much lost contact with one of them. In hindsight it was most probably because of the relationship I was in and how there was some jealousy (the best friend in question was a girl) and I guess sub consciously I had picked my relationship over my friendship with her… Damn…
I’ve wanted to write her a letter, which would be the second time in my life that I fucked things up with her (the first time was when I stopped talking to her because of stupid shit…). I wrote her a letter and left it on her front door in hopes she would read it. I think sometime after that she showed up to me and my de facto bands performance at a coffee shop and we patched things up there in person. Then the same thing happened, where I basically stopped talking to her again. But this time it was because of another person, and not really because of my own volition…
Sometimes I think about her and what she’s up to. Sometimes I think about how retarded I was to let that go. Sometimes I think that I should just stop thinking about it and let it go; I fucked up and I have to deal with it. But another part of me doesn’t want to let it go without telling her what really went on. Like I said, I wanted to send her a message just apologizing for my actions and stupidity and how I basically abandoned our friendship over someone else. I did get as far as typing “Dearest C*****” one day, and that was that. There are days when I think about it and I have everything in my head that I want to say and then when I get in front of the computer I go blank.
I agree with my homeboy though, that I should just send it. Even if she doesn’t respond at least I let her know what was up and that I was sorry.
But like I always say, things happen for a reason. Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself. Maybe that goes with people in your life as well. Maybe you have to lose those important to you to really understand that importance, and vice versa. Or maybe not. Who knows.
Speaking of friends, I have one in the most unlikely of places: Facebook. Well kinda. I knew her in high school but we never really hung out or talked much. But I guess she really likes my posts, especially about online dating and we kinda just became friends through that. I go to her when I got random date questions and ‘What does this mean? Is this a sign? Does she not like me?!’ haha. I wonder if she’s reading this now lol. I just think its funny that friends can come from the unlikeliest of places. Though I don’t know how much help I am with her dating problems though haha. Wish she lived here though instead of out in the middle of no where because I’m sure she’s a great drinking buddy. Aren’t you? 😛
It’s never too late. It’s a new day and a brand new week – time to own it, leggo!