Online Dating Observations. And Shit.

de0a2b271950d912afb14b3cbde0cbf9***(WARNING: Contains crude humor and use of the word FUCK a fuckton of times. Also, don’t take this seriously/personally. It’s meant as a joke. As satire. Satire for dudes. Satire for us old dudes at heart. Why am I bothering explaining this? Because in our now ‘all of sudden’ PC world, people love to get the wrong idea about everything. I personally had ton’s of fun writing this. The views represented here do not reflect upon the writer’s (me) personal views… Oh for fucks sake. Fuck you, fuck your feelings,  have a drink and live outside your little comfort box for 10 min. Or longer if you don’t know how to fucking read. Whatever.)***


THE TOP ANNOYING/AMUSING/WTF TYPE OF GIRLS THAT I’VE ENCOUNTERED ON NUMEROUS DATING SITES


GIRLS WHO DON’T KNOW WHO THE FUCK MISSY ELLIOT IS
Oh God, don’t even get me started on these girls. These are the hella young girls, usually 25 and younger, who are so young they have no idea who Sponge Bob is. No idea who New Kids On The Block are. No idea who TLC were. No idea who Yan Can Cook is. No idea who Nelson Mandela is. THE ONES WHO THINK DR. DRE IS A REAL ‘DOCTOR’. Dr. Dre is as much as a real doctor as I am black. up-Missy_Elliot_lg-460x250These are the generation y’s, the entitled, technological, Apple savvy, the ‘who needs school when you have the internet’ generation. You know, the ones who had a cell phone at age 5 and grew up copy/pasting from Wikipedia. Yes, particularly the generation of girls who tweeted ‘who’s that girl that appeared with Katy Perry? She was pretty good’. No bitch, Katy Perry appeared with Missy Elliott and fucked up Missy Elliott’s set. Don’t get it twisted. (Pictured – Missy Elliott. One of the best female rappers, producers, dancers & lyricists. Not Aunt Jemima.)


GIRLS WHO USE ‘HIP’ WORDS, ESPECIALLY ‘SWAG’, ‘FLEEK’, ‘TOTES’, ‘TWERK’, ‘ALL ABOUT THAT LYFE’, ‘YOLO’
I don’t even know how to describe to you how fucking retarded those words are. What the fuck is ‘on fleek‘? It sounds like you were flossing your teeth and a chunk of meat came ‘fleeking’ out of your tooth.eyebrows-on-fleek Swag? You mean justin beiber? I don’t know any self respecting male who’d want to be justin beiber. Lil Wayne? This dude used to be a good rapper. Was part of Cash Money (What’s that you ask? Sorry, I ain’t got no time to talk about the exploits of Juvenile, Birdman and Manny Fresh, to name a few). But now? He sold out. All about that lyfe? You mean real life little girl? The one where you go to school to learn and work hard and not to see who can get pregnant first? 11018548_1557694624506066_1155257188_nYOLO? You mean you didn’t know you only had ONE life and there was no [RESET] button?  You mean to tell me, that you had to hear Drake, a Canadian with SO MUCH ‘STREET CRED’, rapper/singer’, rap/sing about starting from the bottom (because the bottom was obviously starring in a nationally syndicated Nickalodeon show called Degrassi) now he’s here, the ‘top’, to know that, this one life you have, is the only life you have? smdh                         – (Ohhhhhh you mean Oreos. Ok, that’s a little better I guess.)


GIRLS ONLY LOOKING FOR GUYS WHO HAVE MASTER’S DEGREES/PhD/EARN MORE THAN 70K scumbag-stacy-fills-out-her-online-dating-profile-91463
Which is funny as fuck because these girls themselves have NO degree and make less than 70k. What?? Not even a fucking AA. Nope. Some of them even state ‘some highschool’… what the fuck? The fuck is ‘some highschool? HOW THE FUCK do you not complete highschool??? That’s like not being able to anything. You do know that school gets progressively harder the more you go up in grades right? You can’t even complete something so easy and yet you are looking for a man with a MASTER’S degree?? Not all of you got a ‘million dollar pussy’ like Ms. Grande. (OHHHH SNAAP!). These bitches be hella trippin.


GIRLS WHO POST HALF NEKKID PICTURES
auxFACTOR4233953b58aa6I don’t have a problem with this. Nope. Half nekkid pics? Why not! Just quit bitching about how ‘difficult’ it is to find a good guy. If any guy can find half nekkid pics of you, then ALL guys can find half nekkid pics of you, so what makes you special? No good guy is gonna date you. Smashin it? Most likely. Dating it? Haha don’t be funny. – (Yup, exactly how they look like on dating sites)


GIRLS WHO SAY THEY ARE LOOKING FOR A ‘REAL’ MAN
When their idea318 of a ‘real man‘ is Christian Grey, you know, from 50 Shades of Rape (Thanks Bill Burr). Man she fucked up in the head. Besides that, what is a real man? Someone who buys you anything and everything you ask for? Someone who has so much money that he doesn’t need to be tied down to one girl when he can have whoever he wants? These are the girls who watch the Kardashian clan, The ‘Real’ Housewives of [insert hip, stereotypical city/place], etc.                                  – (Woops, wrong Grey… Ah well. )


GIRLS WHO DON’T KNOW WHAT MTV STANDS FOR mtv-logic_o_1986647
Oh God. Remember when MTV used to show music videos? YOU DON’T?? Gtfo. Seriously.  


GIRLS WHO POST TOO MANY PICTURES OF COACHELLA/EDC

Wow remember when these events weren’t trendy and only those who loved music would go? Now you have all the wannabe’s who go every year wearing the same thing pretending to know the bands and shit? Now it’s become a social ‘badge of honor’. – (Obviously there’s dudes in this vid also, but you get the idea)


GIRLS WHO HAVE PROFILE PICTURES WITH A DUDE IN THEM
guy-recreates-tinder-21-e1409670096576And these girls wonder why they can’t get a boyfriend. Maybe they should try taking pictures by themselves and not with a dude? Who wants to check out a profile if her picture is with a dude? Much less even want to read it? Swinger and cukold are two words that come into mind. Neither are good. For me at least.             – (I said GIRL WITH GUY not GUY AS GIRL… nvm…)


TRANNYS
57824441The number of tranny’s on these sites is too damn high! I thank the majority of them for clearly stating that they are tranny’s, but shit, there is still a high amount that do NOT and only when you look verrrrrry closely at their pics that you can see they are trannys. Yes, this has happened quite a few times where I would be like, oh this chick looks interesting lets message her. Then I look at her profile pics and AHHHH REAL MONSTERS! What? Don’t know where that’s from? sigh…


GIRLS WHO ONLY HAVE 10 WORDS OR LESS ON THEIR PROFILE messageme
These words are usually ‘I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO PUT HERE JUST ASK ME’. One, what the fuck am I supposed to ask you? That’s like being in the dark trying to find the cookie jar in your kitchen and realizing your holding a trannys ‘tit’. How the fuck did that tranny even get inside your house? Two, when you do ask they don’t respond cuz ‘ew’ your not her type. Well no SHIT I would’ve loved to know if you were my type if you bothered to put more than 10 words that actually said something about you and/or your intelligence but I guess I have to go off your picture and hope maybe we have something in common. Whats the point?? – (Note: Example picture did it in 9, I repeat, 9 words or less)


ANY GIRL THAT HAS ‘BLATANT RACE DESCRIPTION’ IN HER SCREEN NAME im-an-asian-chick-004
Oh man… I love me asian girls. No I’m not racist. It’s just easier dealing with the whole ‘similar background’ deal. I don’t want to bring home a girl who doesn’t know any universal customs/do’s and dont’s. When you go into a home take off your shoes. I don’t want to have to take the 20 seconds standing there to explain why. Rice? It’s our mashed potatoes. Soy/Fish sauce? That’s our salt. The house always smells like fried fish/seaweed? Yup we love fish and the ocean. It’s just hard and I don’t need that. AznGirl6969? Asianluvfood? ExagerASIAN? Really? One, no shit you are asian. Your eyes/teeth totally did not give it away. Two, your obligatory peace sign in at least one of your profile pics didn’t give it away either. Three, your pale/yellow/light brown skin also did not give it away. Same for black/latina chicks. I love yall too, but damn… if you got CHICA/LATINA AND/OR BLK/NUBIAN somewhere in your screen name…HOW WOULD I EVER KNOW? I DON’T KNOW! I MUST BE SO STUPID I’VE GONE COLOR BLIND! – (Sorry, no ‘real’ picture here. Didn’t want to out/offend anyone IRL. Ah well.)


GIRLS WHO ARE LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP BUT REALLY AREN’T
55864538….then why the fuck are you on these sites?  To see the ‘flavor of the day’? The ‘cafeteria special’? There are so many of these girls that it makes it so much harder to weed out the ‘im only on here for my daily ego boost’ to the ‘I really want to find a guy’. They say they are ‘looking for a relationship/actively seeking relationship’, but oh wait, NOPE I’m just here to fuck around and see what type of guy I can attract. In theory, yes, it is warranted. Maybe you are coming off a bad relationship and you want to see if you still got it. That’s fine. Maybe your bf cheated on you and you want to know you can get someone better than him. Sure, go for it. But shit, 5 years after the break up and your still on there for the same reasons??? Then it’s just pure ego boost and you are just wasting everyone’s time. PRO TIP LADIES: SHOW YOUR CLEAVAGE AND YOU WILL GET MESSAGES. BUTTER FACE OR NOT, YOU GOT TIT PICS? YOU YOU GOT MESSAGES! The correlation of tits/messages is too damn high!


LASTLY, GIRLS WHO POST OBSCURE QUOTE/SONG LYRICS FROM PINTEREST ON THEIR PROFILE
Screen-Shot-2014-04-02-at-13.56.33Marilyn Monroe was a lot of things. And a lot of those things didn’t involve her saying some spiritual, dalai lama shit to be quoted 50 years later by some adoloscent/lonely/trying to be hip girls. How many of these useless quotes have we all seen on our facebook feeds being attributed to her and/or someone else who never said that in their lives? “I think, therefore I am” – Jaden Smith. WHAT THE FUCK? …Seriously?! Are you cloud bursting again Jaden? Why don’t you go back to fucking candy mountain and leave this to the grownups. – (Actually Bette Midler…Who? FUCK YOU! Anyway, she said this quote on this picture, NOT Marilyn Monroe) http://showbizgeek.com/10-things-marilyn-monroe-never-said/


Honestly there is so much fake bullshit on these dating sites that you are better off winning the lottery than finding a ‘real’ girl. To think that it you be better off randomly walking down Main Street and bumping into the girl of your dreams than meeting her online, is so sad. So sad. The moral of the story? If you are in your late 20’s, like me, date girls between 25-30. Period. 25 year olds know a bit more than a 21 year old but not as much as a 30 year old; just enough to not go out of your mind when you talk about ‘real’ shit. Nothing beats a ‘same ager’ or ‘baby cougar’ though. If you’re older than me, well… when I turn your age then I’ll write a blog about it. Until then, ‘doth only have but one life, thou shalt use it to the besteth of thine ability’. Or, as the younger generation likes to call it, “DOHBOLTSUITOTBOTA”!

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