Why can’t I turn off the radio?

letting-goI used to be good at letting things go. I used to be proud at how I ‘thought’ nothing affected; that nothing emotional affected me. Turns out that this whole time I’d just been either running away from it, stuffing it in a bottle and throwing it away (only to have the bottle wash up and and remind me of all the shit I bottled up) or using hate to force myself to get over something. Primarily I’ve used hate to get over anything personal and emotional, for example, getting over people who once meant something to me. Not necessarily relationship-wise, but it’s along the same vein… I mean using hate as a way to cope with personal stuff is a great way to let go and forget all about what happened and who happened, but it doesn’t make you a better person. And you don’t really let go. You actually end up holding on to every single thing, every single reason why you hate someone/something and it replays over and over again and reminds you why. Using hate to get over something only works in the immediate short term… in the long run it totally fucks you up.

Here I am trying to not fall back into the same pit that I dug myself but it’s hard to not go back to what you know. So far I have successfully resorted to not using hate as a means of coping, but its just so damn tempting to just open up that jar and pour all your anger and all the reasons why you are mad at someone/something. Doing something over and over again expecting a different result each time is the supposed true definition of crazy. I know I’m not crazy. But at the same time crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. So what the fuck? Just kidding. I know I’m most definitely not crazy I don’t have crazy person tendencies. The only fault I could hold myself to is not letting anything go and not forgetting anything. I have those days where I could care less and ‘woo hoo time to get on with life!’ and those days where I’m ‘sucked’ back into that bullshit that I was wallowing in the last couple years. Sadly, the truth is for some reason I am grossly affected by people around me. If someone I care about is happy then I’m happy, if they are angry/mad/sad/suicidal then I am not in a good mood myself which brings up another whole can of worms and the past etc. Sadly the only way to not feel this way is to let go of whoever/whatever is affecting me. But how do you let go of something that, when things are great, they’re the best thing ever? Is the trade off worth it? Most of the time I think yes, it is worth every single penny of letting go. But at the same time, there’s this small part of me that’s ‘what if its different’ this time?

Sadly it’s always the same though. Maybe I am crazy. Crazy to believe that things will be different. I guess its really me thats holding me back. “Let go let God” is a phrase I’ve heard thrown around more often nowadays. Do I believe in it? Not really, seeing as how my faith in God isn’t as high as it used to be, which is a whole different story in itself. How can you let go and let ‘someone’ deal with it for you? Then it’s just a question of ‘fate’ and ‘how things are supposed to be’. Well I don’t believe in fate I believe that I control my own destiny. Some part of me wants to try it, but that’s a very small percentage compared to the other part that cries ‘FAKE! DON’T DO IT!’.

Am I done? Some days I feel like I am. Some days I feel like I am better off. Some days not so much. Somedays I think if only this ‘changed’ then things would be better. Other days I know that it won’t. The only thing I have ever been ‘unrealistic’ about is this ‘situation’ that I am in. Everything else is practical, realistic. That small part of me wants to believe that it can work itself out. Then that other part of me that knows better or should know better. I know that I can’t continue this indifinitely, especially because of the way I am. I can’t continue pretending that I am fine or that it doesn’t hurt. Maybe I’m really just holding on to something that could be, but I know deep down inside will never be. But at least I’m not using hate as a means to get over/cope with it. I guess I just need to try harder to finally turn off that radio and let it go.

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