Yesterday night, I was ready to lay it all on the line. I was prepared. It was all or nothing. It wasn’t planned. I was just going to do it. I was going to ask a very important question. As I nervously picked up my phone, I sent the text. I asked to meet. I waited for a response. The recipient was no longer in the area. My hopes dropped, my heart froze and I stared blankly at my phone. Was I too late? What if I had the courage to pick up the phone sooner in the day? More importantly, was I doing the right thing?
I sit here right now thinking about what is right? Heart against mind, mind against heart… I wholly belive that things happen for a reason. I also believe that you have the power to change things. Yesterday I wanted to so badly. I was prepared to drive around San Diego if it meant I could say, one last time, what was going on in my heart. But my mind told me different. It told me if it was meant to be then it would have happened. If it was meant to be then the person would have been in the area, but they weren’t. It wasn’t meant to be. Or is it? What is the right thing to do… What my heart knows is right, is to tell them everything, to say what has been unsaid for so long. But my mind knows the right thing is to let it go and let them live their life. Sometimes I hate how right my mind is. I hate how analytical it is and I hate how ‘matter of fact’ it accepts things. But still…
A part of me still asks, ‘should I accept everything’? Should I forget what my brain is saying and listen to my heart? Yesterday I was ready to cross that line, today, however, both feet are back behind the line. I’m not afarid. What is keeping me is whats really good for them? For the longest time I have been only concerned with me, myself and I. Am I again being selfish if I cross that line? Am I keeping someone back from living life? There are only two ways this could play out:
Worst case scenario: I stand there naked, confident, with my heart open, for the first time in my life, and say what I truly feel. “I’m happy without you. For the longest time I’ve been keeping myself tied down waiting for something that was never going to happen. Its time to move on. I hope you find what you are looking for.” I would accept this. I wouldn’t question it. We would leave seperately, watching eachother go for the last time. I would move on, wish them the best and take my stuff back. Feeling beaten, but not dead, yet. I would go home, apathetic, however, still questioning if I did the right thing. I would try to sleep and look forward to what I have planned out this whole year, sadly erasing those plans I had for the both of us. I would imagine what they would be doing, how happy they would be without me. How much more they could achieve if I wasn’t in the picture. Then life would continue, like it always does. I would eventually achieve what I’ve always wanted to do with my life, alone, or maybe with someone new, with the consolation knowing that I didn’t mess up someone else’s life while trying to live mine. Maybe I wouldn’t be married, maybe I would. I would imagine that they would be married, though, to someone stable, someone better, but not better looking than me cuz shit, right? All jokes aside, I know they would be happy, probably thinking about me as well, wishing me the same. But I know there would still be something missing in both of our hearts, and it would be eachother. But life would continue, like it always does.
Best case scenario: I stand there naked, confident, with my heart open, for the first time in my life, and say what I truly feel. “I love you too. What took you so long you jackass?”. We would leave, together, excited to be starting something new, however, still facing old problems that are beyond our control. I wouldn’t have the need to take my stuff back because I would be seeing them soon. I would go home, happy, however, still questioning if I did the right thing. I would sleep and look forward to what I have planned out this whole year, mentally inserting that person to what I have planned. I would imagine how happy we would both be, how alive we would be. Life would continue, different, happy, but still dealing with problems outside of our control, like we always did. We would live in my old house that I would buy from my parents, fix it up to make it look modern, eventually get married and the two of us would enjoy the rest of our lives together. Nothing would be missing because we are, according to Rick Astley, ‘together, forever, and ever to pass’. And life would continue, like it always does.
Which is the better scenario? The most obvious one would be the best case scenaro. But is that scenario best because it has the best outcome for me? Or is it the best because we would have the best outcome? I sit here thinking about what I wrote yesterday. “There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it takes that one catch of a lifetime to make you quit being a fisherman”. The question isn’t about the catch, it’s whether or not I am worthy of the catch. I used to think so. I used to believe I was the best. But now I don’t. I know I’m not. I know I haven’t been. I was only the best in my mind… That, is what I think about.
I wasn’t able to follow through with my impulse yesterday. Maybe if I had driven down, made a big scene and laid it all out like that, maybe today would be different. I would have been able to sleep. Maybe I wouldn’t be sick today. Maybe I wouldn’t have need for sleeping pills. I would wake up early in the morning with a smile on my face knowing that I laid everything on the line and love came out on top, as corny and cliched as that sounded. I wouldn’t be here typing this out, I wouldn’t be here questioning what is right for both of us. But I didn’t. Sadly, my brain seems to be winning over my heart, if only by a slim margin. But a second is all it takes to delcare a winner in a race, no matter how fast both are going, no matter how close both are. Maybe, sometimes you just need to know when to throw in the towel and start a different race. Maybe, sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.