Charlie Chaplin said it best: “A true mans character comes out when hes drunk”. As of writing this, maybe, just maybe I’ve had a little too much of a night cap. I watched a Vice documentary (best independent news EVER) about how Koreans believe the best way to get to know someone is when drunk. I swear I may have been a Korean in a past life because thats exactly how I feel on the matter! What better time is there to get to know someone I say! Honestly, (and no this isn’t the alcohol talking) you really do get to know someone better when they are drunk. It helps build trust and companionship because you ‘feel’ you can speak your mind more. Why is that? Well friends, that is a topic for another time. I’ve been around plenty of drunks, all of my uncles drink, sadly however, my parents don’t. But that’s besides the point! Let’s explore the different archetypal drunks, shall we?
Happy IDGAF drunk: This girl/guy is way happier when drunk. They are positive to a level which you would be annoyed if you yourself weren’t drunk like them. Always ready to share affirmative words with whatever story you sharing. I love these types of drunks. These are the positve rocks which you go to when you are telling a sad story. They will comfort you and tell you things will be better and, most of the time, tell you to ‘fuck [insert ex’s name]!‘ or ‘you can do better‘. Did I tell you I love these people?
The Philosophers: You know these people; the ones who talk about existential shit yet aren’t high. Yes, we all have these people in our circle of friends. Also known as the Philosoraptor. The ones who swear to God they know everything. They have an answer to any question. For example: “If an illegal immigrant fought a child molester, would it be considered alien vs. predator???”. Yes. We all have that one friend.
Sad, Emo the world is ending drunk: These guys (or girls, usually guys) are the ones who know how to bring down the conversation. They are usually happy/indifferent when not drunk, but just a taste of a little alcohol will make them into the biggest emo the world has ever seen. Your at a bar with your boys getting drunk as fuck and all of a sudden you have that one friend who starts thinking about the past and his ex and his dog, while everyone else is just trying to be happy and having fun. These guys pair well with the happy drunks because either the happy drunk will make him/her forget about being sad and transform him/her into a happy drunk, or the sad drunk transforms the happy drunk into a sad one, then, both gravitate towards another happy drunk and hopefully that one can make them happy.
IDGAF drunk: these drunks, literally, don’t give a fuck. They will do whatever they want, say whatever they want, usually starting off with, ‘Dude, I don’t want to sound mean, but…’ or ‘Dude, I’m not being a dick, but…’. These are usually, in other words, the ‘honest’ drunk because they say whats on their mind and don’t care what you think about them.
Russian/HULK drunk: these drunks don’t feel pain. They can smash a can on their forehead and drink more. They usually come to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and, most of the time, they are out of gum. So all they want to do is kick someones ass. Doesn’t matter if the persons bigger than they are all they want to do is fight. And usually these people are the ones you don’t expect to gravitate towards confrontation. Literally, they are pussies in real life and would rather walk away when confronted, but no not when drunk! They Hulk smash anything and everyone one. Borderline angry drunk.
Angry drunk: Hates the world drunk. Usually racist when drunk, these people hate everything. They hate how the bartender didn’t put enough alcohol, they hate their parents, their ex, their tits whatever it is they hate. Period. Also known as a smack talking drunk, who otherwise wouldn’t talk shit when not inebriated. They purposefully say shit to start shit, but if started with a non-drunk they get tired and say ‘fuck you’ and walk away as if they won the argument. How anyone would want to talk with these drunks is beyond me.
Quiet drunk: These guys/girls usually are outgoing in real life and get quiet when drunk, usually, not all the time. These are the ones where you constantly ask them if they ‘are ok’ or are they ‘having a good time’ or are ‘you sure everythings ok’ or are ‘you mad’? These ones you can’t tell wtf is going on with them. They LOL pereiodically at random things and then get quiet again. You never know whats going through their heads. You try to stay away from them but they follow you. Usually they are quiet in real life and when they’re drunk they are more quiet. It annoys. It can annoy. It will annoy. Stay away.
Brave drunk: These guys/girls are the ones who avoid confrontation in real life, but when drunk, will call someone out on their shit. They wouldn’t normally do os, but because they are drunk, they have more ‘courage’ to do so. These are also the ones who try to pick up girls in a club/bar/lounge/walking down town on a Friday/Saturday night. Actually, could be considered a sub-class of happy drunk or sad drunk. This trait comes out in all drunks, however. Willing to stop a fight by standing in the middle, becoming the voice of ‘reason’ (is there even such a thing when drunk?) to two people about to fight etc.
Funny drunk: These guys/girls are usually funny when not drunk, but because they are drunk, and you are, their funniness is extrapolated to the 10th power. Sometimes. Sometimes they can devolve into the annoying drunk (which we will talk about later), where they think they’re funny and expect people to laugh, but are NOT funny. You know that feeling when someone tells a joke and no one gets it but everyone laughs that ‘confused but lets laugh anyway to make them feel better’ laugh? Well, no, because everyones drunk, they will speak their mind and tell them ‘that was stupid’ or ‘thats not funny’. Yes, we all know who these people are. We may even have been these people at some point.
Annoying drunk: Holy fucking shit these people… These are the ones who are drunk but not confident in anything they are doing. They say ‘I’m gonna talk to that girl’ but then they take a few steps and come back and ask ‘Should I talk to her? IDK man IDK’. Wishy-washy. This, times 10. Literally. They say they are going to do something but don’t and yet they talk about it the whole night. They talk about something as if they were going to do it or they were there or it happened to them but in fact it didn’t. Usually talks alot and what they say has no bearing whatsoever in what anyone else is talking about. I call them ‘Jeffrys’. We all have a Jeffry. Don’t even lie.
Agreeable drunk: Borderlining on the ‘happy drunk’, these ones agree with everything anyone says. They have no opinions and simply exist to give affirmation to any and all situations. Even if you are in the wrong. For example, if you bump into someone and spill their drink, its that persons fault and you have the right to fight them. Cheerleader if you will. Or, you can say something so retardedly absurd and they will believe you. For example, ‘did you know that since dolphins are mammals they can make babies with humans? I swear to God I read this article…’ and they will act like it was the word of Jesus Christ himself telling you that its real. Usually when agreeing has a wide eyed stare and nods head constantly.
Dancing drunk: Most associated with women, this type of drunk always wants to dance. I knew someone who would bust 1/8th of a dance move and then stop and drink more. Literally. They would Pop and forget to Lock and Drop it. Usually though, once drunk, all they want to do is dance. They get on the club floor and dance the night away. Whats funny is that I’ve been to a club NOT drunk and it is HILARIOUS AS FUCK to see people dancing with that stupid look on their face as if its the sexiest thing they could be doing. Its so goddamn funny. You should try it sometime. Anyway, yes, they usually have this look on their face that they are the best dancers in the world (but seriosly, who isn’t when they’re drunk?) and all they are doing is standing in place moving their hips with a retarded look on their face. But I guess thats the mystique of clubs and how dark it is inside. And that reaction when the club is about to close and the lights turn on? Yes, that is real. I was scared for my life when those lights turned on and I saw the people in the club. Holy. Shit.
Horny drunk: Seems to affect all drunks. For some reason the libido spikes to a 200 and they want to fuck anything that moves. I don’t think there is anything more that can be said about this drunk. I’m sure we’ve all been this type of drunk at one point or are only this type of drunk. Borderlining the ‘brave’ drunk.
Chill drunk: Also known as the ‘I can’t tell if your drunk because you act the same when not drunk’. These people have no disernable qualities when drinking that can distinguish them from being drunk or not drunk. They usually come as is. Sometimes the DD because you can’t tell if they’re drunk or not and since you’re drunk as fuck and they don’t ‘look’ drunk as fuck you just assume they can drive. Normal by all accounts, these people are a 50/50 on losing your buzz.
The ‘I need more’ drunk: These people are constantly drinking. Never seen without a drink in their hand. Doesn’t matter if its a shot or mixed drink, on the dancefloor holding a drink, in the bathroom putting said drink on a holder above the urinal, these people love to drink and it shows. Usually takes a long tim for them to get drunk, but when they are drunk, they always need more because they don’t think they are drunk, when in reality, they are drunk as fuck. We all know who these people are. I used to be one of them. So what?
The ‘Whitney Houston/Trey Songs’ drunk: OMFG. These people swear to GOD they can sing. They love to sing. When they’re drunk all they want to do is sing. The dancing drunk’s counterparts. You can find them in karaoke bars or the garage of your aunts house. These guys/girls love to belt out classic songs from Journey, Whitney Houston, The Eagles, Expose’ etc. They love singing sad, sappy love songs for some reason. They like to reminisce when they are drunk. Only singing can convey the pain they feel in their hearts when drunk. These drunks are usually cool, however, when they hog the mic or, literally, yell while singing they can get annoying real fast.
The ‘light-weight’: It takes, literally, a shot of wine or beer to get these people drunk. Imagine what a shot of bourbon were to do to them. These are the cheap drunks, usually the ‘real’ DD’s because they get drunk super fast and lose it super fast. Sometimes they come in the skinny kind where their lack of body fat makes alcohol run through them like diharreha.
The Straight Talkers: You know these types. The ones who, in real life, are wishy-washy, say things in cryptic messages, gives you an open ended answer; usually replies with ‘It’s up to you’. However, when drunk, they will tell you straight up, you are a punk ass bitch. And the funny thing is you won’t get mad at them! You appreciate them when they are drunk and wish they were drunk more often. Although, theres a difference between them telling you that you are a ‘punk ass bitch’ and ‘please, don’t procreate’. That’s when its ok to hit them. In the nutsack. Or squeeze the nipples. Or I don’t know.
Motherly/Fatherly drunks: These guys/girls take care of you. They hold your hair when throwing up, they stand outside the bathroom to make sure your ok, they hold your drink when you go somewhere, they constantly ask if your drunk, literally, what a mom/dad would do. However, what sets them a part is when they ask you ‘Are you good? Are you good? OK LETS DRINK MORE!’, then that Mother/Father quality quickly fades into one of the other types of drunk. Usually the ones who watch out for the light-weights or the sad drunks.
I’m sure there are more types of drunks and plenty of grey areas/overlapping drunks, but I am drunk as fuck right now and I am tired of typing. What all these drunks have in common, however, is that their true character comes out. Whether its being a ‘sad’, ‘angry’, ‘mom/dad’ drunk, the ones who can only sing when drunk, they do come out. We find a lost soul, a broken heart, a energetic dance machine or a loveable person when they are drunk. I believe the Koreans have it correct. It is better to be in the company of drunk people who don’t give a fuck about what others think and show their true colors, than being sober with a bunch of people who are pretending to be something they are not. Those who look at you and smile but think you are the stupidest human being on earth. I think I would rather you tell me straight up I’m not funny than laugh at my joke, to my face, and think I’m an idiot. I mean, yes, you are a jackass, but at least you aren’t a hidden jackass. So…. WHO’S DOWN FOR SOME SOOOOJJJUUUUUUU?!