What’s the deal with your armor, bro?

RPGs. No, not the ones insurgents use to shoot down helicopters/birds/walls/boulders/buildings (through anything really). And no, not the ones you find in every Call of Duty game since Modern Warfare. I’m talking about the one where you are cast into the role of a reluctant hero (most of the time) who has to save his/her  home/world/girlfriend/wife/dog/dragonball/(pretty much any noun will do) from the an evil so dark, so evil, so dark AND evil, where s/he runs around aimlessly doing quests (usually of the mundane kind) to gain exp to be the very best that no one ever was, while randomly encountering randomly generated monsters every random couple of steps on a world map, where the more you explore the mysterious ‘black shroud’, you reveal more of the already known world (just not to you), then enlisting the aid of reluctant and (sometimes) overly joyful/sullen cast of colorful characters with polarizing personaliaties (sometimes having no personality whatsoever), forming a group of 8-30+ individuals who are willing to fight for his/her cause without any provocation other than furthering the story, opening up ridiculous side quests and making his/her life easier (sometimes harder), fighting monsters, bosses, monster bosses, and even though there are 10 people in his party only 5 can participate at one single instance, which begs the question where the hell the other missing members are, that somehow magically appear in towns/dialogue/cutscenes and disappear when the reluctant hero is running around the worldmap randomly encountering randomly generated monsters…

…who finally ‘saves’ the world from the clutches of an evil so dark, so evil, so dark and evil, but lo,  the evil so dark turns out that he/she/it was actually being controlled/blinded/lied to by another evil darker and more evil than he/she/it was, and now they have to start all over again trying to get to the ‘actual’ root of whatever the problem is, whereby said problem, when encountered, turns out to be a 10 stage fight to the death taking upwards of 15-30 minutes, where the main antagonist seemingly ‘dies’ when said party of 5 ‘defeat’ it, only to magically re-awaken, sometimes during a joyful cutscene of the characters exclaiming ‘its finally over’, turning their happy mood into despair, to fight its second form, which is usually form 2 of 5 or 10, only to discover the only way to finally defeat it is to destroy its most ultimate form, which is 100x stronger than when it was first defeated, where, then and only then, has our reluctant hero has saved the world/dog/girlfriend/mom/dad/dragonball/crystals/(you get the point) and can live happily ever after. Usually.

***Yes, I realize I have just created one of the worst grammatically incorrect paragraphs (?) in the history of known English. And yes, thats pretty much how a standard J/RPG goes.***

RPG = Role Playing Game. I ❤ RPG’s. JRPG’s (J= Japanese) to be exact. But this isn’t quest to define and describe what JRPGs/RPGs are. Its a pet peeve of mine concerning most JRPGs and some RPGs. Armor. Yes, my pet peeve is Armor. That thing you randomly find killing randomly generated monsters that come in a random variety of adjectives, ranging from Common (why bother wearing armor?), Uncommon (still weak as fuck, but better than nothing), Rare (what you will probably be wearing 80% of the time), Super Rare (slightly better than rare, when you find it you won’t care about the stats, because shit, its super rare), Legendary (you are a walking tank, nothing can touch you and if they did only does little to no damage) and sometimes, if said game is really ambitious, Super Ultra Legendary (usually orange colored, has 4 stars **** next to the name, what you will be wearing 0.5% of the time), and Godly (5 stars *****, no way you can be touched, are on par with the strongest monster in the game and is most likely found by killing a certain monster a billion times, worn approx 100% of the time. I say 100% because when you find this armor you won’t give a crap what it does you will wear the shit out of it. Literally. You could be level 99 wearing Godly armor and find a piece of Rare armor that is stronger than your Godly and you won’t even care about it). I digress…

Anyway, the point is, why is it in most JRPGs and some RPGs, when a new piece of armor is found (body, hands, feet, helmet, fingers, toes, ankles, groin) and equipped, it doesn’t change what you are already wearing?!? I find this extremely annyoing. You have a main guy/girl who starts off wearing ordinary, everyday clothes, offers almost no protection against anything, and then you find a piece of armor for, lets say, your chest, you equip it and you are still wearing the same POS clothing you came into the game world with. Don’t you think you’d want to be seen in something different? I mean yes, save your old clothes for posterity, but seriously now. Or, how about this: you find a sword/knife/axe/spear/belt/slipper and the name is ‘Dragon’s Breath Broadsword of Alacrity’. But wait, you equip it and immediately something is off, something you can’t quite put your finger on. Lets take this a part shall we?

Dragon’s Breath. What comes to mind when reading ‘Dragon’s Breath’? Fire? Holy Jesus you are correct. Fire. Smoke? Maybe. Shiney red/orange flames? It better be. Next, Broadsword. BROADsword. If you don’t know the difference between a sword and a BROADsword, you are part of the problem. Please, follow my train of thought, maybe you can be part of the solution. A BROADfuckingSWORD is either a longer, heavier, wider than normal sword, sometimes bigger than the characters body (Yes, Cloud, sound familiar?). The point is, its not the same length and size as a normal sword. Ok? Sweet. Next, we have the obligatory, vaguely descriptive SAT word that not even the SAT prep book test makers know about, which in this case, is Alacrity. Now, what in the holy hell is ‘Alacrity‘? Other than being the descriptive word of choice in many Western RPGs, a quick look at Dictionary.com comes up with this definition:”cheerful readiness, promptness, willingness”. How this even makes sense is beyond me. In essence, you, the player,  are going to equip and cut down randomly generated enemies with your ‘Flaming Smokey Buster Sword of Cheerful Readiness, Promptness and Willingness’, that also happens to look nothing like a ‘Flaming, Smokey, Buster Sword’ …….

Did that sink in yet? Hope so. The problem is when you equip said huge fiery death sword, it is STILL THE SAME DINKY SMALL ASS LOOKING SWORD YOU STARTED OFF WITH. And sometimes, mind you, your starting sword is a wooden ‘sword’. C’mon people. Level with me. Does this make any sense at all? No. No, it doesn’t. So why are there plenty of JRPGs/RPGs that don’t bother to change anything found and equipped on you character?? Are the developers lazy?  Maybe towards the end of development they all just stopped giving a fuck and collectively said ‘people have imaginations, right? less work for us!’. Do they use a ridiculous random weapon name generator??

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I rest my case.

And don’t even get me started on the games that actually do change your armor and how more ridiculous it is (you know, the ones where guys get full, towering impenetrable plate armor, while girls get, literally, a bikini. Thats for another rant). I refuse to name these games because it will just take away the fun surprise of it all. For those who do know what I’m talking about, you know the games. You’ve played the games. You’ve wondered the same things I have, but haven’t said a word about it and just accepted it as fact. Well, here is your voice. I speak for you. I feel you. When I find and equip a ‘Godly Dildosword of Flaming Fear’, I expect to see a goddamn golden, flaming, penis shaped sword with skulls on the hilt/shaft (no pun) of the goddamn dildosword. Seriosly. As far fetched (hopefully) as that was, it makes sense. Thanks for reading!

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Wow. I shit you not. I just typed in ‘flaming dildosword’  after stating how ‘far fetched’ that sounded and this came up. I can’t even.

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