Love to hate, hate to love

COMFORT FOOD. Yes, thats whats up. So yesterday I had absolutely nothing to eat (ok we all know thats not true. But when all you have is bangus – milkfish – every other day, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to eat it). While opening and closing the fridge and freezer for the billionth time, as if everytime I did so new food would magically appear out of no where somewhere in the back (cmon I’m not the only one that does this), I had the best idea: ‘Look in the craft room!’. So, I went to our crap (craft) room, which houses every single piece of anything that we don’t know what to do with, and rummaged through some boxes and found the best food ever: Ham. No, not just any ham, this was the good ham. Ham in a can. Yes, I’m talking about some Dak Ham, straight from Denmark. Many of you may not know what the hell I am talking about. That’s ok. I am going to school you on some family secret comfort food.
This is DAK. Ham. In a can. From Denmark. Yaasssss.

Why? Ever since I can remember, my parents would make this delicacy whenever they didn’t know what else to cook. First, you open it like you are opening a can (nowadays they have a little lever where you can just pull up and open) and you turn it upside down and wait for it to slowly slide out of its casing. Yes, it comes with congealed fat and sometimes you have to thwack it out and it plops out, eventually.
This is what comes out. No it doesn’t come pre-cut.

After it plops out, you get your knife and slice it. Just like in the picture. Till its all sliced. Then you get some eggs, 2-3, crack them open and mix them together. Then you dip every single slice of ham into this egg wash and you pan fry them up. Don’t overcook the egg! When the egg looks like how regular unburnt egg looks like then its done. Unfortunately my parents love to cook it until the egg looks like how egg foo yung looks like at those chinese buffets: brown, almost burnt. Yuck.

4-13-11 dinner 023
Wait, is that chicken? Yes, pretend its a slice of ham. Dip it low and fry it up slow. No copyright infringe yah?

This is Egg Foo Yung. Don’t make like this. Bad boy!

Unfortunately, I don’t have any after pictures of it because I ate it all. The hamegg. From Denmark. But just imagine an omelette, but there is more ham than egg, and at the same time, not an omelette. Boom. Family favorite comfort food. But I wasn’t done, oh no, no, no. Halfway thru, I was thinking to myself, ‘Man, I am super hungry, I don’t think this is enough’. So, I went back to the crap room and went through a box and found my next item to consume: Maruchaaaaaaan, Chicken flavor.

Obviously we all know what this looks like. This is just to remind you of how shitty you will feel after eating it.

A staple of all college students, those too lazy to eat anything else and for the desperate. I’m usually only one of the three, but this night was different. I was feeling all three of them. Three minutes and you got instant soup? Fucking a right I got soup. I’m sure we all know the instructions: boil water and place boiling water in the cup up to the line and let sit for three minutes. No, just me? Ok. Well then. I made mine the ghetto way. Pulled the lid halfway back and poured lukewarm water up to the line. Then popped it into the microwave for three minutes. Yes. Am I the only one who does this? Probably. But it works.

Three minutes later turned into eight because, apparently, the water boiled over the top and half my soup was in the microwave. Way to go MaruchanChicken flavor. Way. To. Go. So I cleaned it up and got my food together. Hamegg (its literally what it is when you think about it) and one of the unhealthiest things I could ever eat. I chowed down. I chowed down. Oh, I guess I didn’t say before but I had it with rice. Black rice. More of a dark purple rice. Supposed to be healthier than Basmati or Quinoa (Keen-oh-waaaaaaa. Somehow I always think of the opening scene in Super Troopers where the cops like ‘You boys like Mex-Eeeee-Kooohhhh?!). It balances it out. It does. Promise swear.  Anyway, halfway through eating my meal the obvious happens: I start to feel like crap. But I was still hungry. So I soldiered on.

I seriosly felt like I was eating a whole box. Of Maruchan. Chicken. flavor.

No, I didn’t throw up. I took it like a champ. I didn’t finish all of it though, I had to throw the soup away. No its not wasting if no one else is going to eat it. Note to self: never, ever eat fake ramen again. It will ruin your appetite. And your night. Why do they that little happy, smiling, fulfilled looking face as the Maruchan, Chicken flavor logo? There’s nothing to be smiling about little fat face boy! You fake ramen eating maru! Thanks for ruining my dinner and making me spend an extra three minutes cleaning my microwave! …But man, that hamegg though! Try it out sometime. It will blow your mind.

“No no no no noooooooooo!!” – Cleveland


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