Written in the stars, a million miles away

I hate most nights. Nights are when my brain won’t stop thinking, where I am most critical of myself and the most balanced and objective and truthful. Where the fuck have I been the last 7 years? I stood still for 7 years while the world passed me by… funny how I admit that now, when I would so adamantly argue and fight that it wasn’t true. I have done more in 12 days than I have in 7 years. As I laid in bed, my mind wandered again. Usually when that happens, specific people in my past pop into my head and I wonder what happend to them. The way I see it, life, my life, is one continuous line. Then you got the branching paths which are the decisions you make and the people you follow/keep in your life and let me tell you, my line has been one lonely ass fucking line. I can only look back at what could have been and beat myself up for not taking that path instead. Always trying to tell myself that shit happens for a reason and the best you can do is deal with it but sometimes I just don’t/can’t see a way through it. Thought about my only poli sci buddy (lets call her M), for some odd reason. Its funny I remember everything about her, her face, voice, those headband things she always wore without fail and style of clothing haha wow… no not in a romantic way, just, when people enter my life, even for a moment, I tend to capture that moment in my time capsule. I remember when families were invited to a pre-grad meeting/dinner for poli sci students and my parents couldn’t go so I showed up by myself and she asked me to sit with her and her family. Me being a dumbass I left after half an hour and didn’t stay cuz I was irritated at my parents for not being able to show up for an event this big, instead I should have felt thankful that I had a friend who cared. But that shit went out the window cuz I was an idiot. I was too proud. I felt that we could have been good friends… just another stupid decision on my part because of my then current relationship taking up every single part of my being. There must be a reason why I do this though, why I keep snapshots of people in so vivid detail and why tonight of all nights I think about her. Looked her up and now shes a lawyer, passed the bar in 2013… we were the same class, same teachers, same everything and here I am, still trying to figure stuff out. I feel ashamed at myself. What if I had ended up staying friends with her and had the motivation to do better and finish what I started? There goes those fucking what if’s… the best I can tell myself is that there is a reason why I am not a lawyer now… I can give the excuse that it was my parents dream for me to become one, but in the end I know the real answer: I wasn’t motivated to. I didn’t have any positive influence and my attention was kept somewher else when it should have been kept on that straight and narrow path that I was already on. Now I gotta pick up all these pieces, and damn, there a lot of pieces.

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